The in-between

Currently I am in a space between what I was doing before and what I am going to be doing in the future (I don't know what that is yet). There are lots of conversations at work and lots of thinking to be done at home. 

Sometimes I am fine and feel peaceful and secure in the knowledge that it will all work out. And sometimes I wake up filled with sadness and wonder what the future holds. Sometimes I feel confident that I did a good job and sometimes I feel like the new person will come in a throw out all the things I did as rubbish. Sometimes I am excited for the future and sometimes I am just downright tired.

I know that I just need to sit with these uncomfortable feelings, that time will pass and it things will work out. I believe that I am employable and that I have good skills. I have loved my team with all of my heart and worked as hard as I could to support them. I believe in our work and I believe in our organisation. I am grateful for my employers for taking a chance on me and on the whole I've done ok. 

In the meantime, spring is here. We have won the war on the chickens and now they are staying in their run and we can crack on with getting the garden planted. There are projects to sew and fruit to cook up for pudding. Worrying won't change things. Time passing will. While time is passing I have plenty of useful, down to earth tasks to keep my hands busy.

In which I compare myself to a small brown bird.

When my sister Sharon was young, she loved birds. 

She was an expert on all sorts of birds. She was a bird watcher before it was cool.

Anyway I remember her sending me a video once of a bower bird.

It's a dear little bird who decorates their nest to make it pretty

and probably to attract a mate if I remember rightly.

I loved the thought of that little bird and somehow I can identify with the desire 

to make one's nest pretty. I've always been a collector of things

and I love to decorate my space. To be fair, there have been stages

where it bordered on hoarding, but I think we have moved past that.

We have moved around a lot in the last few years but we are settled now

which feels amazing. It does mean that we are currently 

once more decluttering stuff that is sneakily ending up under beds

and (most especially) under our hanging clothes (we don't have wardrobes). 

One of the things I do not want to part with is books. 

I have over the years parted with many and I regret it.

Now I'm at the phase of my life where I'm happy to let them 

build up again, we have books in almost every room

and it's great. There is something so right about picking up a book

and strolling through the pages. And I love walking into a room

that has books on the shelves.

When I left the children's dad, I left all the good children's books

behind for him. Because he was good at reading to the children

and Annie was so little and Rue not much into reading at the time.

But recently I decided that I wanted books for little people back in my life.

Slowly I have been collecting nice board books and stashing

them in Annie's old doll house. It is the perfect size for little books

and it makes me so so happy.

We have been in this house for over three years
and it's the longest time we have been somewhere for a long time.
It feels good to be settled in here
and filling in some of the gaps where things are missing.
It takes a long long time to rebuild your life from scratch,
but it's worth it. Our home might be a bit ramshackle and need some work,
but like the bower bird, we have made it our own and we are happy here.

The first spring bulb has flowered.

Because I am finishing work earlier now, I am home before it gets dark. I go out and talk to the chickens and see how they are doing. The garden has been picked down by the chickens and it is looking tidy. Last winter I gave Annie a bag of bulbs and she planted there here and there in the garden. They are all coming back up like spring surprises. I picked the first one today, gosh it smells so good. 

Spring bulbs always remind me of my childhood. My mum always had loads in our garden and they were so beautiful. Such a great reminder that the seasons are changing the things that are hard now, won't be hard forever. Definitely some of my favourite flowers.

A flower does not think of competing with the flower next to it. It just blooms.

If you have been reading this blog for a while, you will know that almost 9 years ago, my life reached a fork in the road and I turned left and started travelling alone. In the years since, I have made peace with being a single person and love the life that I have with my people and my little house.

Sometimes though, I see people who I know, most of whom have actually stayed married and are now (it appears to me) living their best lives. With lives filled with dinners, grandchildren and travel, their happy smiling faces shine out from social media posts in warmer places in the planet than were we are right now!

I'm always pleased to see people living their best life. It's so cool to see photos of far away places or precious precious grandchildren. Don't get me wrong, I am happy too, truly I am. Annie and I are travelling together through the teenage years with their ups and downs. (High school is no joke my friends.) It doesn't matter how old your humans are, you still worry about them, and I have plenty of humans to love and worry about. 

The thing that is hard is that I'm still at the stage of my life where I am trying really hard to balance the budget and I feel like I should be past that stage.  For example I still need to find a piece of spouting for the back of the house to replace the one that fell off two summers ago. The shower is still leaking and now the mould on the wall where the gib is rotting is a weird green colour. The house needs painting and the kitchen needs new lino. I need to pay for clarinet lessons and tyre re-alignment. My rates and my doctor's bills are behind, I feel like i'm continually paying things off. 

And then to top it off I have just handed in my notice on a secure job, and now need to face the future a little more uncertainly. Looking at it objectively, it is probably not ideal, but I'd rather just see it as a rough piece on the road. I'm confident that things will work out in the end, they might look different, but they will be ok.

In the grand scheme of things, there are moments when it is ok to feel lost, and to have to deal with bitterness and disappointment. I know that it will all be okay in the end. The key lies in remembering that I am on a unique journey, and to steer clear of comparisons with others. So here I am, learning to let go of resentment's grasp and trust that every step, no matter how uncertain takes me forward, and to alongside that to embrace the present.

I can't change the direction of the wind, but I can adjust my sails to always reach my destination...

It's winter here. 

And right this minute it is absolutely tipping down with rain

and very jolly cold. But the fire is going and I'm in my pjs.

We are just past Matariki and it's time to make plans for the new year.

The house does seem smaller in the winter somehow.

Firstly we are all in it so much of the time.

There are bikes parked here and there inside, there is always a basket of laundry

or two in a corner, and the dog keeps disembowelling his toys on the mat.

Also the fire creates a whole other layer of dust and clutter.

I have been trying to tidy up here and there and re-organise spaces.

I read somewhere that it helps with the winter blues.

It does work I think, it just feels continuous.

Recently I went to the doctor because I had been feeling grim for a while.

I also had a stress test at the hospital.

I'm being treated for angina and waiting to see a cardiologist.

Let me just say that it focussed my mind quick sharp.

So as a result, I'm making some changes in my life for the rest of the year

so that I can work on getting healthy.

and thanks to the generosity of my work, 

I have a bit of extra time in my day and my week, which is amazing.

It turns out that you can make hard choices 

when you have to, especially when the alternative could be unpleasant.

I'm going to reduce stress, get some more exercise

and make changes to stick around for the long haul.

Another thing I want to do, is dust off this old blog.

Writing regularly has always been good for me

and so here I am again.

 So here I am, sitting by the fire in my pjs.

My life is about finishing things off right now

and starting some new things too.

It's about having peace that it will all be ok

while being brave enough to make the changes necessary.

Thoughts while eating pasta in my pyjamas

Today I woke up about 6.30am and eventually get out of bed. I popped the oven on and then jumped in the shower. When I have showered, I wrapped myself in a towel and put the kettle on and some hot cross buns in the oven (our current breakfast of choice). I encourage the Resident Teen to start their day and get myself dressed. I empty and load the dishwasher (most of the time I am too tired to do this in the evening). 

I make coffee, we eat our breakfast. The teen feeds the animals and grabs something for lunch and we rush out the door. I drop her off near school and go to work. Once at work the day is busy from end to end. At 4pm or thereabouts, I walk out the door. Today the teen had come to work on the bus, so we went to the local pool and did 8 lengths of aqua jogging and a wee soak in the hot pool. I put my pyjamas on at the pool because I didn't want to put my work clothes back on.

We called by the supermarket on the way home to get some essentials... pasta, milk and such like. One of the kids messages to say they are at my house and so I invite them to stay for dinner. The other one (the DJ) messages to ask for a ride home from work. We rush home, I throw the ingredients for pasta sauce in the oven and run out the door to get the DJ from work. I pick up the DJ and arrive back at 6.30 and quickly finish off the pasta sauce. 

We dish it up into bowls and the teen takes hers and we rush out to drop her across town at youth group. I come home, heat my dinner and I'm eating it now. then I will fold as much washing as got dry (the rain made the dryer wet and the fuse keeps blowing) and write a newsletter for my secondary job. After that I will drive back across town to get the teen and then come home to have a hot cup of tea and go to bed. This is also why the dishes will not get done tonight. 

Single parenting while being so fulfilling, is absolutely bloody relentless. Next time you hear a single parent say that they are tired, this is why. It's the juggling act of managing to keep all the people fed and off to the right places while often also managing to working full time. 

Eight years.

We have just come back from staying for almost three weeks in a friend's home.

I loved her home so much, and spent ages looking at her bits and bobs

and wondering what the significance of some of them.

(One unsmoked cigarette? no idea.)

I loved how her home was put together with things she has made, 

collected and salvaged. Like mine but more so, you know?

I was thinking about my home and the things that I want to do to it.

There is still so much to do.

But then I remembered that it is only 8 years since I changed my life dramatically.

And actually that is not that long really in the scheme of things. 

It takes time to fill in the gaps again with things that are meaningful.

At first when you start again, you just fill the gaps with things that you need.

But this year when Annie decorated the Christmas tree, 

I realised that we have collected Christmas decorations that are meaningful to us.

Birds that Cat gave me, some pottery ones I got from Gill,

some baubles from Michelle and so on. I enjoyed looking at each one

and remembering the reason they are special.

I ordered two ornaments for next year,

one to remember Nana Robbie and one to remember Tahu.

I like to think that every year when we pull out the decorations,

we can remember the people we have lost as well.

This Christmas I found this little wooden Santa in an opshop in Hawera.

I love his little heart, I love how he seems handmade.

I wonder what his story is? For us, he will remind us of the special time

that we spent at Taiporohenui Marae with the Hikuroa whanau.

We left Tahu's ashes there where he belongs

and we take away our precious memories forever.

 And now here I am putting away Christmas for another year.

I am reflecting on how far I have come in the last eight years.

I'm so so grateful for the life that I have now.

I have a qualification and a job that I am proud of.

I have four amazing young people who love me and I love them.

I have a ramshackle home that I love

and a wild and crazy garden that brings us joy.

I've been putting my life back together for eight years

and I think it is beginning to actually come together.

Hurray for second chances.

Hurray for new beginnings.

Let's keep moving forward.