... a time to die, a time to plant and a time to uproot...

One of the things about my new job is that I am regularly talking to people who are thinking about their death in the not too distant future. 

Mostly I deal with very practical things like dealing with benefits, food parcels and home help. But also I talk to people about who they have in their life and the supports they have and their plans. We talk about wills, EPOA and advanced care plans. 

And then sometimes people talk to me about what is really important to them. They are thinking about what is next. Some of them talk about heaven. Some of them talk about there being something else after death. By the time I get to see them, they are usually perfectly comfortable talking about it. 

It's a bit scary sometimes because we all seemed to be programmed to not want to say the wrong thing. We were talking about this in the office today. It's odd isn't it, we all die eventually but as a society we are generally quite terrible at talking about it. 

Anyway I'm quite new at this and feeling my way. With every conversation it gets a bit easier. It's really lovely work and a real privilege to be learning how to be in this space. 

for you are a mist that appears for a little time and then vanishes...

Today I found out tha one of the patients I had been talking to died last week.. This actually happen most weeks becaus of the area of social work that I work in now.

In all honesty it takes a bit of getting used to. But it is meaningful work and I am loving it. Apart from today when I heard that my little old man died.

I came home and we had an easy tea and did the dishes. Sat by the fire for a while and I lit a candle. It's made me think. 

All of us are going to die one day, and if we are lucky on our own terms. My patient knew what he wanted and he got it. I guess that is actually the best outcome. I'm so glad I sat quietly and listened to him talk about his hobbies. I think I was the last person he got to talk to about that. I hope the more I do this work, the more I remember how important it is so sit quietly and let someone tell you what they want you to know. 

The in-between

Currently I am in a space between what I was doing before and what I am going to be doing in the future (I don't know what that is yet). There are lots of conversations at work and lots of thinking to be done at home. 

Sometimes I am fine and feel peaceful and secure in the knowledge that it will all work out. And sometimes I wake up filled with sadness and wonder what the future holds. Sometimes I feel confident that I did a good job and sometimes I feel like the new person will come in a throw out all the things I did as rubbish. Sometimes I am excited for the future and sometimes I am just downright tired.

I know that I just need to sit with these uncomfortable feelings, that time will pass and it things will work out. I believe that I am employable and that I have good skills. I have loved my team with all of my heart and worked as hard as I could to support them. I believe in our work and I believe in our organisation. I am grateful for my employers for taking a chance on me and on the whole I've done ok. 

In the meantime, spring is here. We have won the war on the chickens and now they are staying in their run and we can crack on with getting the garden planted. There are projects to sew and fruit to cook up for pudding. Worrying won't change things. Time passing will. While time is passing I have plenty of useful, down to earth tasks to keep my hands busy.

In which I compare myself to a small brown bird.

When my sister Sharon was young, she loved birds. 

She was an expert on all sorts of birds. She was a bird watcher before it was cool.

Anyway I remember her sending me a video once of a bower bird.

It's a dear little bird who decorates their nest to make it pretty

and probably to attract a mate if I remember rightly.

I loved the thought of that little bird and somehow I can identify with the desire 

to make one's nest pretty. I've always been a collector of things

and I love to decorate my space. To be fair, there have been stages

where it bordered on hoarding, but I think we have moved past that.

We have moved around a lot in the last few years but we are settled now

which feels amazing. It does mean that we are currently 

once more decluttering stuff that is sneakily ending up under beds

and (most especially) under our hanging clothes (we don't have wardrobes). 

One of the things I do not want to part with is books. 

I have over the years parted with many and I regret it.

Now I'm at the phase of my life where I'm happy to let them 

build up again, we have books in almost every room

and it's great. There is something so right about picking up a book

and strolling through the pages. And I love walking into a room

that has books on the shelves.

When I left the children's dad, I left all the good children's books

behind for him. Because he was good at reading to the children

and Annie was so little and Rue not much into reading at the time.

But recently I decided that I wanted books for little people back in my life.

Slowly I have been collecting nice board books and stashing

them in Annie's old doll house. It is the perfect size for little books

and it makes me so so happy.

We have been in this house for over three years
and it's the longest time we have been somewhere for a long time.
It feels good to be settled in here
and filling in some of the gaps where things are missing.
It takes a long long time to rebuild your life from scratch,
but it's worth it. Our home might be a bit ramshackle and need some work,
but like the bower bird, we have made it our own and we are happy here.

The first spring bulb has flowered.

Because I am finishing work earlier now, I am home before it gets dark. I go out and talk to the chickens and see how they are doing. The garden has been picked down by the chickens and it is looking tidy. Last winter I gave Annie a bag of bulbs and she planted there here and there in the garden. They are all coming back up like spring surprises. I picked the first one today, gosh it smells so good. 

Spring bulbs always remind me of my childhood. My mum always had loads in our garden and they were so beautiful. Such a great reminder that the seasons are changing the things that are hard now, won't be hard forever. Definitely some of my favourite flowers.

A flower does not think of competing with the flower next to it. It just blooms.

If you have been reading this blog for a while, you will know that almost 9 years ago, my life reached a fork in the road and I turned left and started travelling alone. In the years since, I have made peace with being a single person and love the life that I have with my people and my little house.

Sometimes though, I see people who I know, most of whom have actually stayed married and are now (it appears to me) living their best lives. With lives filled with dinners, grandchildren and travel, their happy smiling faces shine out from social media posts in warmer places in the planet than were we are right now!

I'm always pleased to see people living their best life. It's so cool to see photos of far away places or precious precious grandchildren. Don't get me wrong, I am happy too, truly I am. Annie and I are travelling together through the teenage years with their ups and downs. (High school is no joke my friends.) It doesn't matter how old your humans are, you still worry about them, and I have plenty of humans to love and worry about. 

The thing that is hard is that I'm still at the stage of my life where I am trying really hard to balance the budget and I feel like I should be past that stage.  For example I still need to find a piece of spouting for the back of the house to replace the one that fell off two summers ago. The shower is still leaking and now the mould on the wall where the gib is rotting is a weird green colour. The house needs painting and the kitchen needs new lino. I need to pay for clarinet lessons and tyre re-alignment. My rates and my doctor's bills are behind, I feel like i'm continually paying things off. 

And then to top it off I have just handed in my notice on a secure job, and now need to face the future a little more uncertainly. Looking at it objectively, it is probably not ideal, but I'd rather just see it as a rough piece on the road. I'm confident that things will work out in the end, they might look different, but they will be ok.

In the grand scheme of things, there are moments when it is ok to feel lost, and to have to deal with bitterness and disappointment. I know that it will all be okay in the end. The key lies in remembering that I am on a unique journey, and to steer clear of comparisons with others. So here I am, learning to let go of resentment's grasp and trust that every step, no matter how uncertain takes me forward, and to alongside that to embrace the present.

I can't change the direction of the wind, but I can adjust my sails to always reach my destination...

It's winter here. 

And right this minute it is absolutely tipping down with rain

and very jolly cold. But the fire is going and I'm in my pjs.

We are just past Matariki and it's time to make plans for the new year.

The house does seem smaller in the winter somehow.

Firstly we are all in it so much of the time.

There are bikes parked here and there inside, there is always a basket of laundry

or two in a corner, and the dog keeps disembowelling his toys on the mat.

Also the fire creates a whole other layer of dust and clutter.

I have been trying to tidy up here and there and re-organise spaces.

I read somewhere that it helps with the winter blues.

It does work I think, it just feels continuous.

Recently I went to the doctor because I had been feeling grim for a while.

I also had a stress test at the hospital.

I'm being treated for angina and waiting to see a cardiologist.

Let me just say that it focussed my mind quick sharp.

So as a result, I'm making some changes in my life for the rest of the year

so that I can work on getting healthy.

and thanks to the generosity of my work, 

I have a bit of extra time in my day and my week, which is amazing.

It turns out that you can make hard choices 

when you have to, especially when the alternative could be unpleasant.

I'm going to reduce stress, get some more exercise

and make changes to stick around for the long haul.

Another thing I want to do, is dust off this old blog.

Writing regularly has always been good for me

and so here I am again.

 So here I am, sitting by the fire in my pjs.

My life is about finishing things off right now

and starting some new things too.

It's about having peace that it will all be ok

while being brave enough to make the changes necessary.